To say the least.
We have been so in love with our babies and then bam! A smack in the face!
Thank God for Emi! She is our bright eyed baby who is getting us through such an awful time.

We want to thank everyone for the prayers you were/are sending. Baby Jay just wasn’t ready for this world yet. We loved him every second of every day that he was here. He made it 11 days, because he was a fighter. The pneumonia just took over his poor tiny lungs.
It was a very heartbreaking Valentine’s Day. 💔 Our baby boy made it until 7pm that evening. He fought so hard.
All day long he was requiring some extra assistance from the nurses and doctor. He was on 100% oxygen. He was fighting so hard all day. Finally I asked the doctor to call Jay to update him because I just couldn’t. Jay left work (he works 2 1/2 hours away from the hospital) and headed our way. He didn’t make it to the hospital in time before our son took his last breath. Jay was devastated. Not only because he lost his son, but because he couldn’t be there with me. I will never forget that day.

Depression is real. Anxiety is real. I’m trying to ward away both but it is so hard. I think I’m staying away from the depression part but can’t stay away from the anxiety. We lost our baby boy and now have to wait for others to take care of our baby girl for months until we get to take care of her ourselves. Hoping and praying everything goes smoothly during the process.

When you watch your child’s heart rate go to zero and not come back….  there is just nothing to take that pain away and although it is still fresh, I don’t think I will ever forget that image and room full of people and all the  sounds that went with it. 

It has been a long road to get to be a parent. I wonder why this is happening to me, to us. I know there is a bigger picture out there, but damn. 

It definitely puts life in perspective of what is important and what is not any more. The things I/we thought were important before we don’t even know anymore because our life now is focusing on making sure our little girl stays healthy and strong so she can come home to us. 
**The above was written a couple of weeks ago. I/we are doing much better. The anxiety is no longer a problem.**

Although he was only here for a short time, we will make sure Emi knows about her brother and the love and joy he brought us!

Our sweet Emi is proving strong enough for both of them. She is growing every day, requiring very minimal oxygen and she is being a feisty little girl. Every nurse or doctor that has dealt with her literally uses the word feisty, because she lets them know when they are bothering her, and when she isn’t happy, lol.
She is 2 lbs. 5 oz. (as of 3/8/2020 am). She has been gaining an ounce a day for the last 5 or 6 days now. She is 13 3/4” long. She is weaning off of the oxygen and settings. Although she will still be on it for a while, she has been on a very low setting this past week.
She gets to “kangaroo care” with both of us. She loves her Mommy and Daddy snuggle times. We only get to hold her once per day. So I get her during the week and Jay gets to hold her on the weekends. It is the most special time for us right now. She is 5 weeks old. We cannot believe how quickly time has passed. She is so beautiful, even with all the tubes and wires, lol. She has a breathing tube and a feeding tube. We cherish every single smile she gives us. 🥰 We can not wait until they are actually on purpose. 💕 We can do hands on care right now, like changing her diaper, taking her temperature and cleaning her up when needed. I am pumping for her, she gets my breast milk in her feeding tube. The best thing I can do for her right now is pump, it’s hard work but worth every second.
The NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) has the best physicians and nurses working there. They are just amazing, we couldn’t be happier with their knowledge and professionalism.

We are going to wait to post any pictures of them online. If you want to see a picture you can send a text to Jay or I and we will share. Just no posting online please.
This post has been all over the place. I have been adding a little here and there over the last 3 weeks.
Thank you for reading and being patient. We appreciate all of you!

April, Jay & Emi
🥰❤️💕🙏🥰👧👼